patience

My Grandmother always said that *patience is a virtue*. I got that a lot, because I was not very patient. I'm still not. I just manage to look like I am more patient. I want things, me, to change NOW even though I don't even know what those changes might look like. Well, I have some shadowy images but nothing I can really sink my teeth into. Nevertheless, I want to sink my teeth into something. Nothing seems to have much substance as yet. Therapy is okay. Got one thing to look at but no clue what to do with it. Alanon is an okay organization but I can't seem to find the *meat* in that either. Oh, yeah, I'm vegetarian. Well, can't find the tofu. Not even some beans. Well, maybe a bean or two. I got one assignment from my alanon sponsor. She hasn't read it yet. Frustrated! My A.A. sponsor would have been all over that in a few days. It's been weeks! Into action here! Come on! I need some direction. Yes, I know where to go for that too. But, it seems to be a waiting time for me or something. I HATE waiting. I want to DO something. So, I type. I write. I get little teeny, tiny bits of clue. But they only add to the puzzle. ERRR! No, I am not very patient.

I do have some fun with the dogs. Seuss' diet is now my job. No one else could stick to the feeding plan. He is pathetic, yes he is. He sits by his bowl and waits hours before mealtime. But he needs to lose some weight. I plan to take him to the Humane Society and use their floor scale this weekend. I hope he has dropped at least a pound or two.
Daisy is not on a diet. She actually gets a cup more food than Seuss.

We went to UPMC Healthworks on a fieldtrip today. We walked miles to get there and miles to get back and played and rock climbed and all sorts of stuff in the middle. It was fun but tiring. Some of the kids are only 5. They complained less than the older kids about the walk. It was a long day but we had fun.

I have been warned

Without TMI I am having waves of grief. There was an abusive incident when I was a child. I never told anyone. I was too scared. Someone else told and everyone seemed so angry. I wasn't telling. No way! And over the years I managed to convince myself that it wasn't important. But it is. And it colours who I am today. And the thing that I just figured out is that when these waves of grief hit me I don't see the root cause immediately. What I immediately see are nonexsistent abandoment issues with people in my present. It takes me a while to pull away from that and see what is really going on. It's hard. Cause my life doesn't really set aside a lot of time for tearful moments when I can't explain the cause. It's not like I smashed my finger with a hammer. That usually gets cursing. Not tears. People want to be able to have something to focus on and an event from 36 years ago doesn't merit much attention. So, I muddle through. I need to ask my therapist if there is some trick to this that I'm missing. Cause this sucks. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away, tears that are so close to the surface that ANYTHING can set them off, and I can't sleep. Yep. Sucks.

dog days

I had this idyllic vision of taking the dogs to Riverfront Park. As the name suggests the dogs have access to the river and as long as they don't snack on fisherman we'd be fine. Well, I put them both in the backseat and set off. Daisy has never ridden in the back seat and when I open the door to let them out I discovered that she had quietly been sick all over the backseat. So, that was why Seuss moved into the front seat during the journey (of 10 minutes). Ooohhh! So, I get over my shock, tie the dogs to a tree and clean up the backseat. The car still smells like used dog food but at least dog sick doesn't stink like human sick. So, then we ramble and splash and the very excited dogs run in the river, well Seuss waddles out and lays down in the water. It's the only thing TO do when you are built to stay comfortable on the top of Mt. Fuji in a blizzard. In said place Seuss would sit in the snow until he was a dog-shaped pile of snow with only his panting tongue hanging out. Daisy splashed in the river just like a baby in a bathtub. Too cute. Then I leash up sopping dogs and we set off for a walk. We come upon Animal Control cruising through the park. In all the years I've been going there I have NEVER seen Animal Control there. Then I remembered the guy who drowned a few weeks ago trying to save his dog from drowning. The dog made it to shore. His children watched him drown. Horrible. Then we had a picnic. Yes, I packed food and water for all of us. Course, Just like kids, the dogs spilled their drinks. Then we walked somemore...to try to dry off a bit. And we went home. I made it absolutely clear that there was to be NO getting sick in the car. Let me know and I'll pull over. Daisy was fine. We had fun despite the obstacles.

unbridled excitement

I've been waiting, holding space, for so long. I don't feel like I'm doing that any more. We are coming together. We have in our little community 3 witches of varying experience but experience nonetheless and 3 witches fresh from their books. It makes for interesting conversation. And we are doing well. This is good. We had a new moon ritual last night. Just three of us. (2 experienced witches and one new one). One witch was at witchcamp (Not me. Sob!), one was at a local amusement park at the *Pagan Day Out at Kennywood*, and one could not make childcare arrangements.
We did good. We set time limits on the things that get us in *trouble*, like talking. So we decided we would set and hour for chatting, then plan, then DO. And we did. It was lovely. We talked about everything from what happens when you set boundaries with boundary-less people (they get really pissed off), to what our concepts of diety are, how they have changed, and how we work with them. Plus, our jobs, our dreams, the gamut. Then we planned a simple ritual in which we wrote letters to ourselves that we hope to be in six months. A spell.
We had to explain about the phases of the moon to our new witch. I did say she was new. We didn't cover that in the teaching rituals.

Later, I opened a spell bag from an Iron Pentacle class from years ago. Very cool. Interestingly enough my allies and challenges haven't really changed. But I've learned a lot about them in the time since then. It was a lovely connection between old community and new.

See, our community has fallen apart a few times and become something different each time. But it was never stable since the first group fell apart. I think we are stable now. And we have in our midst some of those people with whom I had to set boundaries that they did not understand. They have come to understand a little better in the intervening time. I have had to repeat a few boundaries. But they are kept mostly. And sometimes just a look will suffice to be a reminder and I get an *opps, sorry.* So, live and learn. That's sorta the point isn't it?

MidSummer

Did someone say Mid Summer? Yikes! Things are blooming and dying at an alarming rate. And some things are being sat with. They'll bloom eventually. They are in bud.
I spoke at a meeting on Friday. Here in Pittsburgh we call that *leading*. I understand that in other places it is called *qualifying*. Ya tell *what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now*. So I did. I haven't done that in maybe 9 years. That would be due to having that little spat with my sponsor wherein she told me I just needed to *get a man* and all. Yeah, well, that lead to a huge resentment not only towards her but towards the rest of the peopel in the program. It took me a few years (like 8) to figure out that it's not everyone. And, well, ya kinda havta be at meetings to get asked to speak. And I wasn't so I didn't.
I was not nervous. Not a bit. It's sorta like speaking in trance though cause the deal is that one is supposed to turn it over to one's Higher Power and let them use you as a mouthpiece. Some form of aspecting for certain. I never remember what I said.
A dear friend made me a Goddess pendant to wear and she put it on just before I spoke. It is lovely. An amythyst Goddess with 12 sets of 8 beads. Because...I was born in December and my life card/number is 8. Awesome.
By the time I got to the meeting she had already had a run in with my sponsor over taping my talk for the A.A. archives. He said he was sorry she was my friend. I said I was not. I like her. And so it goes. *Principles before personalities*.

Denial

Yes, I was in denial. I was in denial about having impetigo. Oh, please don't say it phonetically. It is a form of strep and is usually associated with children. I had it as a child. It looks like bad acne but can be anywhere on one's body. We had two other cases at work and three cases of strep throat. Well, I suspected I MIGHT have impetigo as I had one blister on my forehead. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not self-absorbed or anything. Well, it turns out that might be a good thing sometimes. Cause I DID have it. Here's where the denial comes in. See, as a kid all I remember is my parents being very embarrassed the we had impetigo (we got it from our sandbox - which was gone the next day) and them breaking and putting ointment on the blisters. That was what the doctor told them to do. No one remembers us being given antibiotics. I do not remember being sick, per se. But, perhaps it is different when one is grown up. I had a fever for days, horribly achey joints, I could hardly move. I was restless; exhausted but I could not sleep. And then, AFTER the fever a horrendous headache. Now, I would think again that I am just self-absorbed except that I confered with the other teacher who had this and she had the same symptoms. She attributed the headache, which does not go away to her body reacting to the antibiotics. And lastly, a thorough and numbing exhaustion. And the feeling of being wrapped in cotton wool - a soft but solid barrier between me and the world.
My poor dog was very sweet when I had a fever. She laid by me and was quiet and patient. I felt bad that she didn't get walked so, since I could not sleep anyway, I would walk her. And then feel like I had been hit by a truck. This went on for five days. Poor thing. I am feeling better and getting better at beign sick. Yeah, ya would think that someone so self-absorbed would be good at being sick. Bt, no. I HATE to be sick. Plus, throw in restless and it's not pretty. Getting back on track now though. Losts of rest, good food, MODERATE exercise. Moderation?? what is that? My body is teaching me.
Slowly, I am coming back. I feel better. I don't feel wrapped in cotton wool. I am still easily tired but going slow helps.